50 Christmas Things (Part 1)

50 Christmas Things (Part 1 – 1/20)

Well, Christmas is fast approaching. I’m writing this prematurely, but television screens are starting to light up with adverts featuring big stars like Lulu and that guy from that gardening show, so it must be near. This is big time! As Lenny Henry’s manager might say.

So, anyway, these are just a few things that sprang to mind when I was thinking about Christmas. There is no order, I simply just wanted to talk about Christmas things because Christmas is that magical time of year where everyone sells out to celebrate Jesus Christ’s birthday. So don’t worry, remember, these are all commercial things. We all know the real meaning of Christmas, we’ve seen all seen Jingle All The Way.

Anyway, why not make yourself a hot mug of hot chocolate, sit down, unwrap that Ryan Giggs Sunball and read this tediously long list I’ve written? Or not, spend your time looking at pictures of yourself on facebook for all I care!

Merry premature Christmas.

Home Alone 2: Lost In New York (1992)

Now, it’s easy to say this film’s just a remake of a pretty stupid, crappy children’s comedy. The plot is pretty much the same as the original, with one small difference: It’s set in New York…. Gee, what a twist. That doesn’t even make the title of the move valid. In fact, the first part of the title actually contradicts the other part of the title. I don’t even think there’s one shot of him being “home” alone in the whole film. Well, there was that bit where he was in “someone’s” home and he was, to be fair, by himself, but that’s a stretch.

I don’t know what it is. It’s a truly awful film in many respects, but I think years of watching it as a child has given me some fond memories. There’s just something nostalgic about it. There’s some nice shots of New York City—even if they are a bit cliché. The soundtrack isn’t bad either, with Darlene Love teaming up with The E Street Band to record especially for the film; not to mention the film has Daniel Stern and Joe Pesci! I just imagine they were won over by the prospect of working with Macaulay Culkin.

As a child, the idea of going around New York City by your own, ordering pizza and limos, and eating giant bowls of ice cream seemed like the greatest thing ever… in the universe! Of course, in reality, that’s an awful idea, but at the time I wanted to be Kevin McCallister even if he is excruciatingly annoying at times.

The older I get, the more I seem to wonder why Daniel Stern and Joe Pesci didn’t kill Kevin when they had the chance. I mean, it would have been a pretty dark ending, but really, even as a child there was a small part of me that wanted to see Kevin get his comeuppance. After all, he hit Daniel Stern in the face with several bricks. That’s pretty dark. I really hope many kids didn’t try. I’ve grown up with the idea that men can survive a brick to the face. Imagine my surprise when I found out that Home Alone 2 had lied to me.

Come Home To Sky This Christmas (2008)

Okay, I just thought I’d throw this one in because it’s currently on television and it features “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)”. I think I was fooled by the music because the first time I saw it, I thought it was quite nice. The second time, however, all I could think was, “What the hell is wrong with this family?” Seriously, they laugh at anything. It’s like they’ve all received lobotomies, or Rupert Murdoch’s holding a gun to their heads: “Come on kids, laugh! It’s funny, sky is funny! Laugh louder, dammit!”

A Charlie Brown Christmas (album) – Vince Guaraldi (1965)

One of my all-time favourite albums. I almost melt every time I hear songs like Skating or Christmastime Is Here. It just summons thoughts of frosty days with streets decorated with snow and people skating on lakes. Basically, things that don’t really exist—in this country, at least. But it’s escapism for me. It’s like being a child again. It’s sophisticated, cool jazz that appeals to non-jazz fans just as much as it appeals to jazz fans and it’s simply a beautiful album.

This is a pretty good live version of Christmastime Is Here by youtube user “alexbt”:

Yellow Pages (1990’s)

I always use the Yellow Pages to kiss girls, but I’m physically adequate, unlike that loser. I usually just bash them round the head with it until they drift out of conciousness. I bet he wish he thought of that.

Pringles

I don’t know about others, but we always seem to stock Pringles at Christmas. I have a love/hate relationship with them. On the one hand: A tasty, addictive treat. On the other: Excessive eating can leave your hand with “Pringle Rash”, the terrible condition where your hand is forced into the tube so many times, the friction begins to wear away at your hand leaving it sore and painful. Every year dozens of people suffer from Pringle Rash, raise awareness and help me end this madness.

The Simpsons – Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire (1989)

This is the first episode of The Simpsons ever and it’s a Christmas show. There’s no couch or black board gags, it just starts with Homer and Marge driving to Springfield elementary in the snow. It’s a nice, modest set-up for a show that was yet to realise its potential.

If I had a show, I think that’s how I’d start it. There’s just something endearing about starting a show with a Christmas episode. Though it does make it hard to revisit Christmas in later shows as Matt Groening has pointed out. But luckily the writers did return to the subject of Christmas, in episodes like Marge Be Not Proud, which could have just as easily made it onto this list.

The Simpsons obviously went on to be one of the most influential and beloved comedy shows ever, and looking back, perhaps that’s what makes this episode seem so charming. It has a few good jokes and one-liners, but generally, like some of the early episodes, it’s not up to the high standards set in the later seasons.

I think it’s got a very “Charlie Brown” quality to it. It’s got a simple story with a moral message and it’s just a real joy to watch. Again, like A Charlie Brown Christmas, it’s also got those little mistakes and imperfections that only adds to the appeal of it. Generally, though, the animation is probably the best in the whole season, even if some of the characters are slightly off model, but that’s to be expected considering the makers of the show didn’t really know how it was going to turn out.

I’m not even sure if this would make a my list of favourite Simpsons episodes, but I almost always end up digging this episode out around Christmas. It never fails to entertain.

Six Feet Under – Pilot (2001)

Speaking of TV shows that started with Christmas episodes, the pilot of Six Feet Under begins on a typical sunny Christmas eve in Los Angeles. Nate Fisher is returning home to his family for Christmas, when his father, Nathaniel, is killed in a car accident. It’s not exactly an episode full of seasonal cheer, but nevertheless, it’s great TV. It blends genuine emotion with humour and the everyday personal lives of the characters to great effect. No matter how dark Six Feet Under gets, it never seems to feel cold and inhumane. The characters personalities really add a human side to dark subject matters and the writers always seem to remind us that, though death is a part of life, life still goes on. Claire, David, Nate and Ruth still have to balance everyday life as they deal with the passing of a family member, which is true to life.

Silent Night, Deadly Night 2 (1987)

If there was an award for lousiest move ever, this would definitely be in the runnings. It’s not like this film makes me feel all Christmasy like most of the others on this list it’s just hilariously bad, and believe it or not took eight writers to write.

For starters, I’m not even joking when I say a big percentage of the film is simply footage from the first one. Which, by the way, is almost just as bad. The few scenes which aren’t flashbacks are badly and acted and just bizarrely written. I’m not even going to say badly written. It’s just weird. It’s just lines that don’t really make any sense, they’re just there to fuel another flashback.

So, I suppose you’re wondering why this is even on my list. Well, it’s primarily here because it’s so bad, it’s kind of good. I mean, I really did laugh a lot the first time I saw this film. Almost every scene has something hilariously bad in it. It’s as if the main actor in the film’s been told, “Good acting doesn’t come from the heart, kid, it comes from the eyebrows!” They never cease to stay still! I suggest people play the drinking game where you need to drink every time Ricky moves his eyebrows, you’ll be drunk in seconds.

What also bothers me about this mess is the move tagline: “Prayers won’t save you in the silent part of this night!” Sorry, excuse me? What the fuck does that mean? Seriously, that’s ridiculous.

Anyway, despite being one of the worst films ever made, I can almost guarantee I’ll be watching it this Christmas for a few laughs.

Oh, and, “GARBAGE DAY!”

A Christmas Gift for You from Phil Spector (1963)

Now, it’s no mystery that Phil Spector’s a big weirdo creep. You’re probably familiar with Spector if you’ve woken up in the middle of the night screaming. He looks a little bit like the grinch, so in away, this isn’t his only appearance on the list..

To me, this album pretty much sums up Christmas (remember this is purely commercial, Jesus won’t be making an appearance) in 34 minutes and twelve seconds. In fact, this record is better than Christmas. This is actually one of the big things I look forward to every year. You can tell it’s Christmas when you start hearing songs from this album on the radio/TV. It sounds just like Christmas should. It sounds like getting hit in the face with a snowball… But good.

Toys “R” Us (1990’s)

This always seems to on coming up to Christmas and I think almost every child who grew up in the ’90’s can sing you this song, although I have no idea what they’re saying in some parts: There’s millions of debris all under one roof?

The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire) – Nat King Cole (1946)

Written by vocalist Mel Tormé, The Christmas Song was apparently written on a hot summers day in an effort to “stay cool by thinking cool,” which almost spoils it a bit for me. It’s such a beautiful song and it’s just one of those songs that makes you feel Christmasy. It really takes you to a warm place on a cold winters day. Everything about it is gorgeous: The melody, the chords, the lyrics; it’s Christmas compressed into song form.

I’ve chosen Nat King Cole’s version simply because it’s the one I’ve grown up listening to.

Always Coca-Cola (Holidays Are Coming!) (1997)

I remember, as a child, not really enjoying the “Holidays are coming” music, but there was definitely something quite great about the advert itself. I think it’s only now, after hearing it every Christmas for the last eleven years or so, that I truly can appreciate how awesome it is. This really gets me quite pumped now. As the music builds I find myself close to rising out of my seat and running after the nearest red truck.

Also, this song NEVER leaves your head once you hear it. You find yourself humming it at the most inappropriate moments. Just be careful when you watch the video bellow.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (TV Special) (1964)

The charming little animated TV special, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, needs to be watched every Christmas. The animation (stop motion) can seem a little crude, but there’s something that makes me go, “Aw..” every time I watch it. Man, I love the Reindeer.

Arthur’s Perfect Christmas (2000)

You just don’t hit girls, and I imagine the same rule applies to Aardvarks. I’m usually such a calm guy, but I have to say, when I watched Arthur’s Perfect Christmas for the first time, I did want to punch DW. She’s just such a brat. Arthur is awesome, to be fair. His parents must be very proud, but it must have been shock when DW came along.

Anyway, it’s a nice little story that makes you really want Arthur to get his way in the end. It does seem to end a little too early, though. Arthur didn’t really get his perfect Christmas after all, he put thought into buying a present for his mother and it was broken and replaced by a less thoughtful gift. Sure, his uncle was a nice character, but really, that wasn’t a perfect Christmas. Still, it was a nice Christmas special.

Full Movie:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

The Office (US) Christmas Party (2005)

This is definitely one of my favourite episodes of the American Office. It’s just a really strong episode with a lot of great jokes. My favourite part is probably bit where they’re all drinking at the end and it shows all the different conversations, which, apparently, according to the DVD commentary, was inspired by the party scene near the end of Rushmore.

Favourite quotes:

Michael Scott: Happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party’s so lame.

———————————————————

Michael Scott: Hey, you’re the expert; Is this enough to get twenty people plastered?

Clerk: [Seriously considers] Fifteen bottles of vodka?… Yeah, that should do it.

The Wonder Years – A Very Cutlip Christmas (1990)

The episode where Kevin discovers that coach Cutlip is moonlighting as Santa at an out of town shopping mall. It’s funny, but there’s an underlying sense of humanity. You sort of find Cutlip both pathetic and likeable at the same time. This is probably one of my favourite episodes, mainly because it’s got a lot of range to it. There’s genuine pathos here, but there’s also some funny scenes too.

Frasier – Miracle on 3rd or 4th Street (1993)

It turns out, Frasier’s son isn’t coming for Christmas after all, so instead he ends up working Christmas day because he doesn’t want to be stuck at home feeling lonely. After his show finishes, he drives to a small café. He eats his meal before finding out that he’s left his wallet in his coat pocket back at the studio. Some homeless people step in and eventually come up with the money to buy the meal for him, mistaking him for a fellow homeless person.

It’s odd, that doesn’t sound like a great episode, but it’s one of my favourite episodes in the entire series. There’s surprisingly a lot of heart in it. It’s sort of a typical feel good Christmas episode, but with a lot of good one-liners and gags. I especially like the part where Dr. Crane sneaks out to his expensive car only to find he’s left his keys in the café.

Tales From The Crypt (1972)

Now, I watched this when I was fairly young and it scared the hell out of me. The end especially. I still think it’s a pretty good scene and probably the best in the whole film. It was on a few years ago on New Years Day in the early hours of the morning. I was inebriated at the time, but I tell you, that Father Christmas still gives me the creeps.

It’s Garry Shandling’s Show – Garry’s Christmas Show (1987)

Ah, this is a great little Christmas special featuring regular guest star Tom Petty. It’s very much in the same vein as a traditional sitcom Christmas show, but obviously primarily a parody on the format.

Favourite Quotes:

Garry: I’ve always wanted to have one of those old fashioned Christmas shows ever since I was a kid and had my own imaginary television series, which was cancelled because it was on opposite a guy who had a better imaginary television series.

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Nancy: I’m telling you, I really like this guy!

Garry: So, what? You gonna to sleep with him?

Nancy: …… Yeah, I think so.

Dr. Seuss’s How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966)

It’s compelling, original and comes with a Christmas message that isn’t ridiculously saccharin like a lot of Christmas films. After all these years, the animation still looks great and the story is surprisingly poignant. The music numbers are delightful and Boris Karloff’s narration is very compelling and striking. Simply a classic holiday move.

The Full Movie:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

And, 1 extra…

Bruce Sprinsteen – Merry Christmas, Baby (Late Night with Conan O’brien)

I enjoyed this fun performance of a classic, so I thought I’d throw it in. It’s cool to see Conan on the guitar and Bruce clearly have a lot of fun.

~ by No Soap Radio Polka on November 18, 2008.