Guide to being a Student: Part 1
Taken from http://nosoapradiopolka.co.uk
I can’t believe it’s been three years already. I remember my first week of student life so vividly. I never thought I’d get used to all the partying and experimental sex I somehow never got around to doing, but somehow I did. And now it’s time to go forth and work in retail.
Within these last few months, never before have I heard so many people say the same thing: “Looking forward to going out into the real world?” I sure am, I want to be a real go getter like yourself. I’m done with my stereotypical life of drinking, fornicating and stealing traffic cones, give me whatever’s making you so happy.
I guess it’s finally time to step out into the real world and put my BA in Creative Dog Walking to good use, but until then, here are some handy tips for any soon to be students out there.
The First Few Months
Without adult supervision, some students will spend the first 3 or so months pushing the limits of over-indulgence and vileness. Drinking coke and eating pot noodles for breakfast will become commonplace. Students have been waiting 15 years to re-enact scenes from Home Alone, but this is the first time they’ve actually been able to get away with it. The only difference is, the novelty wore off for the boy in Home Alone. Oh, and also he’s like 10 years-old.
Yes, this is the best generic student picture I could find. That's me in the middle by the way - I don't know those two girls.
“You know what would be awesome? Like, totally crazy, yeah!? Sticking marmite, coco pops and lager in the bloody blender!”
Now, this is the kind of thing you should be doing. First impressions are important, so do stupid things. Stupid things will make you popular.
These months are also the time you should be decorating your walls with free crap you got at the freshers fair, so plaster your walls in film posters for films you haven’t seen and crap bands you’ll never listen to.
Identities
University is the perfect time to adopt other people’s identities. As a student, you’ll have to adopt an identity if you want to be at all popular. In this post we’ll be focusing on middle class rudeboys, who are identifiable by their fondness for words like “yeah” “wicked” “man” “mashed” and also their love for getting mashed.
Although their diction is poor and despite their tendency to communicate using incoherent ticks and vague noises, a posh accent is still sometimes present. These people aren’t rudeboys in the traditional sense, but are so called due to their recent interest in Bob Marley and weed. However, more and more frequently, middle class rudeboys will listen to drums and bass or dub step.
Rory Cochrane in Dazed and Confused: An Inspiration to so Many.
But first, irrespective of identity, you’ll want to create a heroic monument of used cans and bottles to show other twats how much alcohol you and your housemates can consume in year. Popular formations include: pyramid of lager cans, mantelpiece of spirit bottles and The Tower ©.
The Middle Class Rudeboy
If you want to be a middle class rudeboy in uni, it does help if you have previous rudeboy experience, although it’s not essential. To be a successful middle class rudeboy, it’s advisable to wear loose fitting clothes. A hoody and a baggy pair of jeans will usually suffice, although, to complete the look further, you could add a beanie or rastafarian hat.
Don’t worry if you suspect that you could be a moron, it’s likely that your new uni friends will think you’re a legend or possibly even a “ledge”. In fact, the more ridiculous you behave, the more people will like you. Your obnoxious habits and lack of coherence doesn’t make you annoying, it makes you “mental!”, which is a good thing.
Decorate your house/flat with awful weed paraphernalia, Family Guy posters and iconic imagery of Bob Marley. This will allow you to remember your incredibly vague sense of identity if you happen to get too stoned to remember who you are.
Drugs
Before you take your first steps as a student, it’s a good idea to familiarise yourself with the cool drugs to take. Fortunately, all students take the same drugs. You’ll want to start taking pills, obviously, and ketamine, and weed. These drugs can be obtained easily from dodgy looking men on the street with badly designed business cards. Look out for cards with comic sans, clip art balloons, palm trees or other unrelated imagery printed across them. These little pictures, I’m assuming, denote fun, or something, because clip art balloons are fun like narcotics, I guess.
The last card I received was for a service called, “The Partymen”, which was supposedly for all my party needs. It was roughly a year ago when I was mistaken for someone who looked like they enjoy having fun, “You student, yeah? We got ket, we got weed, we got all your party needs, you get me?” Well, usually, the only need I have at a party is the need to immediately leave. A night spent inside staring at the balloons on this business card sounds like a more entertaining prospect. But having said that, I’ll have a copious amount of ketamine please!
Lastly, when you take the drugs, be sure to talk about all the other times you took drugs. People might not look like they’re interested in what you have to say, but it’s probably just the drugs altertering your perception of how interested they are.
Clubs/Club Nights
All the best clubs/club nights are called things like “Evolution” “Synergy” “Space” “Determination” and “Ethos”. There’s a particularly classy student night at Cardiff University called “The Lash” or possibly just “Lash”, which is definitely the kind of place you should be attending. Anything with an impressive sounding word that has absolutely nothing to do with the club is bound to be a popular club/club night.
If I had a student club night, I think I’d call it “Facility” because it sounds impressive even though it essentially means “building with a purpose”. “Anyone goin’ to Facility tonight? S’gonna be brutal.” Now, see, that’s a going to be a popular club night.
So that’s pretty much it for now. These tips should help you through at least the first 6 months of uni. Just be sure to attend uni enough to collect your student loan so you can buy clothes and drugs and shit.
